I'm driven by the fear of failure.

I'm pretty determined. Nicky once told me I was dogged determined. Because I refused to walk up the hill. 

It's not so that I can say "I ran that hill". 

It's so that I DON'T have to say "I walked". 

Ever crossed a finish line with no one there to see you do it?

Oh it can be soul destroying. 

Especially when during your training you picture them standing there ... Proud as anything... And yelling your name and urging you to the end and jumping for joy when you make it. 

If you ever see someone cross the finish line alone... Be that person for them. Cheer for them. Loudly. Make noise for them. 

No one should cross the finish line alone. 

Because it's the glow of celebration and congratulations and admiration that cements a finish line in your heart for ever. 

Come away from the ledge...

How do you get someone to come away from the ledge?

When falling is ALL they want. 

You love them. Unconditionally. Without judgment. You love them with hope so that they can see that too. So that they can see this life is worth living. 

Running has shown me that it really is just one foot in front of the other. 

Keep. Moving. Forward. Walk if you have to. Crawl if that's all you got. Cos the finish line is where it's at. And there should be hundreds of finish lines. Hundreds of wonderful, fulfilling moments. 

Running has also taught me that you simply can not do this alone. You NEED someone BY your side. Someone ON your side. 

Love unconditionally. Forgive quickly. Get them away from the ledge. 

This life is worth living. 

Found your Nicky yet???

It's best if you don't already know her. 

Find her in a running group or put a notice up in countdown. 

"Wanted: a Nicky. Someone who will never bail on a run, who will always turn up, someone who will run next to me and expect me to run next to them. "

Find your Nicky. You'll never look back. 

Nicky got bossy. 

Nicky got mean. 

"You're running fast tonight"... She said. 

I moaned a bit. 

"Tough" she said. 

Nicky got bossy and Nicky got mean. 

Because Nicky believes in me. 

She believes that I can run fast. She assumes I can. 

I can't tell you how incredible it is to have someone believe in you. Truly believe in you. 

We took 5 minutes off the hill run. 5 MINUTES!!!

So she can get all bossy and all mean, all she wants. 

Our run last night reminded me ... It's not about how fast or how far... It's about doing it. 

Against everything... We were both so tired, so hungry and so pushed for time... We ran. 

And it always, ALWAYS feels incredible. 

When the run is done it always feels incredible. 

Standing in the shower after the 10k run yesterday ... "Why? Why do I do this? Why do I run? It's so hard.  I'm not that good at it.  Why do I do it?"

I was really searching for meaning.

Because Nicky and I could have met for brunch and had a lovely morning eating and chatting and drinking ... but we didn't.  We ran. 

Why on earth would anyone choose RUNNING over BRUNCH?!!!!

I found my answer. By the end of my shower I had found my answer.

Because without the run, I'm just an "also ran".

Run the day.
Or the day will run you.

This might have to be your mantra today.

You might just have to say this once today to get you on the right track. 
Or you might have to say it before almost every breath.

But say it. 

Run the day.
Or the day will run you.

I hate my body.

Urgh. 

I hate my body. 

I went to yoga tonight. 

Twisting and turning my flabby and floppy and wobbly bits. 

I hate my body. 

Wait. 

Enough. 

I love my body.

And just like that... In the middle of camel pose... Everything changed. I love my body. And I'm gonna start treating it with the respect it deserves. 

I love my body. 

For the very first time in my life ... I love my body. I've hated my body for so long now. I've been treating it like it's a useless failure that lets me down and embarrasses me constantly. 

My body ... I'm so sorry. 

Tomorrow I'll stand tall. I'll make no excuses. I'll be grateful. 

I. Love. My. Body. 

I have run two half marathons.

Have I?

Have I really??

Am I completely sure this is not someone else's story?

The very IDEA of running a half marathon seemed ridiculous.

But it's true.

I HAVE run not one, but two half marathons.

This surely must be enough to make you believe it's all possible.

What are you on the brink of beginning?

Begin.  It's all possible.

I know you don't want to go.
I don't want to go either.
And neither does she.

Push yourself.
Run.
Be thankful you can.

Hold your head up.
Run when you don't want to.
And then tell me that didn't feel good.

Unplugged.
Power down.
The lights are off.

That's how I felt when a big as rotweiller came at us the other night on the run.

Terrified and scared is not how I felt. Powerless is how I felt.
And I hated it.

Nicky was great.

"Please come and get your dog. NOW" she demanded.

"NOW" she said again when they just laughed us off with a "he's okay... Just being friendly".

I just ... Lost power. I stood there, head bowed, shoulders hunched... Waiting for Nicky to fix it.

And she did.

When the adrenaline left I was left with anger. Anger that my power and control had been so quickly taken.

So I got my power back. I ran the hill.

I finished the run.

Plugged in.
Power on.
Lights bright.

I just worked out why I haven't been able to write.

I thought I had writers block.

I thought maybe it's because I didn't have anything to write about.

Nope.

It's because I actually didn't want to share.

Do you understand that?

Every time I went to write I stopped. I think I just wanted the run to be mine.

Every other part of my life seems to be so up for public scrutiny or judgment ... That I just wanted a little space of my own.

I hope you understand.

But look! I'm writing. I'm ready to share again!