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When night came last night I lay there sick with worry and guilt and regret.  All the people in my life who I let down constantly.  I have five gorgeous nieces that are without their mum now and I do bugger all for them.  I have a sister struggling away with two little babies and I do bugger all for her.  I have a brother who gets on with things and I never give him the praise he deserves.  I assume he knows.  But how would he know? And I do bugger all for him. My Mum and Dad who sacrificed it all for us ... I do bugger all for them.  My darling friends who still have me as their friend even though I go quiet and lock myself away and do bugger all for them. And Work.  Sheesh.  Talk about a crisis of confidence.  I can't do it.  How am I going to do it? My stomach churned with it all. 

When morning came and my loyal running shoes took me deep into the native bush it had eased.  And when I dived in to the sea at the end of the run in the pouring rain I felt better. Better. Not all better.

I know what I need to do now though.  Stop doing bugger all.

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I hate my body.

Urgh. I hate my body.  I went to yoga tonight.  Twisting and turning my flabby and floppy and wobbly bits.  I hate my body. 
Wait. 
Enough. 
I love my body.
And just like that... In the middle of camel pose... Everything changed. I love my body. And I'm gonna start treating it with the respect it deserves. 
I love my body. 
For the very first time in my life ... I love my body. I've hated my body for so long now. I've been treating it like it's a useless failure that lets me down and embarrasses me constantly. 
My body ... I'm so sorry. 
Tomorrow I'll stand tall. I'll make no excuses. I'll be grateful. 
I. Love. My. Body. 

Read this if you're about to give up...

If you are struggling to stay on track know this... You are so close. So close to success. So close. You just can't see it. That's why it feels so far away.
If I told you that I could see it and it looks amazing and it was just around that corner you would keep going. You wouldn't stop.

I know you can't see it ... But it's so close. Don't give up now.

It really is just around the corner.

Running through a "Date"

If you have lost someone ... the date that you lost them can become a heavy, unbearable, agonizing number that fills you with dread as it creeps towards you.

I had seen this happen to my best friend.  And the ache that he felt was just so grim to watch.

I had my own date looming.  So I decided to run through it.  My date is February 22nd.  So I ran the Half Marathon on February 26th.

I ran through it.

I'm not saying that running takes away the ache.  But it gives you new aches to think about.  Physical aches.  Aches that you can take a panadol for, or have a bath for, or sleep for.  Aches that you can fix.

If you have a date looming ... run through it.  Know what it's like to be able to fix an ache.